Friday, September 11, 2009

What this is doing to me

People say oh he's safe at school no one will hurt him, all kids have to go to school, you need time for your self or get over it and others say they understand but how can someone else understand when I'm not sure I understand.

I know my love for Corb has always been so deep and so strong. It's just I have longed for someone to help me fix him and after 2 years of begging for therapy, he finally gets it but it's somewhere I can't be. I'm going to miss everything. He's going to learn and grow and be so amazing and I don't get to witness it. Some say well that happens with all children and moms when they start kindergarten but those children have already been able to learn the basics. The moms got to share that whole time. Corb still has to start at the beginning and for the past 4 years I have tried to get him as far as I could but darn it I'm only one person. I just wanted help with him, not for someone else to do it all. This is just so hard. I want to spend every moment with him but I can't. I just so want him to get better and I even know he will but it's just so unfair it took until now for it to happen and I don't get to be there.

It's just so unfair.

I love you baby boy.

Something else to maybe help people understand me better and not judge. I have been diagnosed with PTSD since I was young. I witnessed and received a lot of abuse when I was a child and then my baby choked to death in my arms.

I have been having may flashbacks, especially since school started. And other little things happen like I had to run to the store on Wednesday and I went to kiss my Corbie bye, like I always do before I leave and I forgot he wasn't there. I cried and cried. Thankfully Bill was here. He has been really good about this.

I'm trying really I am


Anonymous said...

Who says you're doing this on your own? I have hardly ever heard you mention that Bill helped in any of this. What happened to you when you were young has nothing to do with Corbin choking on a dog nail, I don't see the correlation. There are others out there who are struggling just like you who can't witness all the firsts, you'll have to just accept that & move on. Corbin is doing fine & you will too.

grandmadottie said...

I fully understand what you mean about your early childhood. How dare someone say there is no correlation between then and now and PTSD. Servicemen and women view many horrendous things and can't function when they get home because of flashbacks. My daughter's best friend (she's almost like another daughter to me) has a stepbrother who spent many years in the military including I think it was 3 tours in Iraq. I met him a couple times and he seems a great guy but is having one h*** of a time adapting to civilian life. If you lived through very abusive situations as a child I'm sure it has had a prolonged effect on your nerves/emotions, etc. in your life now. I have been following Corbie for quite some time now and just think you are one amazing woman to be able to function so well with a child like him. I love his videos. Sometimes they make me laugh, sometimes cry, but all the time with warm fuzzies inside. Hang in there and don't let ANYONE put you down. You are doing an incredible job.

Paula71 said...

You are an incredible mother. Do not let others get you in a tizzy. They have no idea what you are going through. I think you do a wonderful job with Corbie. Have you thought about volunteering at the school in another area? You would be able to be near him during the day and also do something to keep busy. Caring for Corbin helps you in so many ways. Please know that most of us are here for you. We pray for your family each day.

Those that feel the need to leave negativity on Caradie and Corbin's blog remember this: JUDGE NOT;LEST YE BE JUDGED. You will have to face the ultimate judgment someday. I hope and pray that no one ever abuses you and you NEVER have to go through the terrible pain and sadness that she has been through. That your children NEVER suffer from anything life changing.

We love you Caradie and Corbin

Anonymous said...


Dawn said...


I have a message for you........YOU GET OVER IT!!! I will pray that you NEVER have ANYTHING go wrong in your life, let alone experience any of these things. Let alone Loose the closest people to you.

You are YELLOW as they come. LOOK AT YOU..........You have to hide behind a #@$%@! computer screen and not reveal yourself!! Ya, your a big shot........NOT!!!! Your as coward as they come! Show your self! Or.....are you like "to afraid to??"

WE are not afraid to say who we are, and show ourselves. If this site "QUOTE" bothers you......then stay the hell off of it!!!!!!

To words for you.......MOVE ON!! Wait 4 more words.......YOU GET OVER IT!!!

Now that I've said that and meant it........I'm going to get some sleep now.

I can ONLY pray that you have enought DIGNITY to stay the $@%#$ off of this site and leave Corbin and Caradice ALONE!!!! Because.......YOU DO NOT KNOW THEM!!! & SHAME ON YOU for writting such negativity. GET OVER IT YOURSELF!!!

At least we are NOT AFRAID to reveal who we are!!

Dawn Van Camp